Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I regret that it is necessary for me to publicly apologise for my behaviour.
It is with great sadness, I find, that once again it has been discovered that I have been a naughty boy.
On this occasion I would like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/ my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends husbands/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife.
I accept that once again, by getting caught, the standard of my behaviour has fallen below that expected of a public servant, in terms of honesty, integrity and personal and national responsibility.
In this case, my failure to declare income of over £52,000/ corporate hospitality/ free holidays/ relationship with my (secretary/intern/any passing women)/dealings with oligarch/Saudi Prince/Arms Dealers/Old Etonian Crony/Dodgy businessman was a severe lapse in judgement.
Insert qualifying statement here; When one has so much money coming in it is easy to misplace £52,000 and fail to declare it on a register of my interests. A register designed to ensure MP’s are not subject to undue influence.
Insert attacking rebuttal here; I do believe my own private earnings are no-ones business but my own, and especially some jumped up little grammar school shit from the Labour Party.
Of course you are all going to forgive me, that is what you do. Rich kids always get away with it. This is like when Nanny made apologise to Giles Giles Jnr after I took his model Bugatti away from him at his birthday party. I didn’t mean it then and I don’t mean it now.
Look, I’m just the cheeky chap off the tele. I’m not like all those other politicians, I’m one of you, the common people. So let’s get this out of the way and get on with getting me into Number 10. That’s the ticket.