Sun. Sep 19th, 2021
Greed is good

In a historic day for Britain’s finances The Pound achieved parity with The Peanut. The Governments devaluation strategy, using the Brexit mechanism, has worked. This morning The Pound plummeted past The Euro and The Banana before settling at one Peanut.

The Government claim this is a fantastic opportunity for their friends to trade peanuts, many had already short sold The Pound and filled their bird feeders.

Critics questioned Government policy.  One minister responded, “Given the post-Brexit apocalypse we are facing, it’s likely to be the only thing left to eat.”

Monkeys were appalled at the sharp rise in the cost of peanuts, having to resort to bananas and cake for tea. Cheetah said “Oook, heee, oooh!“, which is about the most sensible comment we could find.

Employers thought the sudden devaluation of The Pound didn’t really affect them as they’d been paying peanuts for ages and all they’d gotten was a load of old monkeys.

The Treasury admitted they’d known this day was coming and had been selling off gold in order to buy peanuts. A new computer system has been installed to ensure all benefits and pension payments can now be made in peanuts. One Minister said “People have said our pension and benefits system pays peanuts, thanks to this Conservative Government, it’s literally true.”

Shops are running desperately short of peanuts. Waitrose has reported panic buying of Cashews and Almonds, by wealthy investors trying to get ahead of the secondary nut market.

Beryl Jenkins was lucky enough to find a giant packet of KP left over from last years Xmas party. She said “It’s great news, after the government cut my pension and with interest rates so low, I didn’t have anything to leave to the family but now this will provide a nice little nest egg for the grandkids.”


By Bernard

Bernard has been with us since the beginning. Bright, funny and blessed with a sharp satirical edge are things he wish had been said about him.

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