Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting(s) at (insert location/s)
Billy Bob Williams, on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person who would’ve done it anyway, responsible. And he was probably (insert specific non-white ethnicity, gender or sexuality), wasn’t he?
The wide availability of guns is in no way a contributing factor to the 281st mass shooting of the year, the NRA man insisted.
Sheriff Billy Bob (insert surname) confirmed that (insert number) were killed and a further (insert number) are injured. The local (delete as appropriate; school/shopping centre/church/hospital/community centre) is on lockdown.
President Trump, currently on the tenth hole, will be sending his thoughts and prayers as soon as he is back in the clubhouse and has signed his scorecard. No further action will be deemed necessary beyond the usual glib thoughts and prayers statement.
Democrats will make half-hearted noises about gun control, but won’t make too much of a fuss on account of knowing that they’ll be in charge again one day and they’ll need the NRA’s friends and money.
Meanwhile, other countries are once again rolling their eyes at America and bookmakers have installed Texas as the favourite state for the location of the next notable shooting.
This message has been sponsored by the NRA, Smith and Wesson and The Republican Party. All Making America Great Again.