On the plus side, we did find Priti Patel’s compassion hidden on a barren rock 4.4 billion light years away.
James Webb Telescope unable to find Brexit Benefits
Priti Patel opens Pop Up Taco Bar to help Ukrainian Refugees
“Why would we bother spying? We recruited most of your civil servants, bought the government and even have our man in the Lords!” says Vlad the Bad
Vladimir Putin gets cat and moves to secret underground lair
Putin’s invasion of Ukraine is just an audition for the role of Bond Villain that got a bit out of hand.
Ex-Prince Andrew pays out millions despite having done nothing wrong
What’s the point of being a rich, powerful, connected, white-man if you can’t do who the hell you like?
Rats flee sinking ship as party boat springs a leak
The Party Boat, HMS Moronic, crashes into ice berg, rats flee to save their own skins.
Brutus and Co start dagger collection for Caesar
The imminent, unexpected and wildly applauded stabbing of Caesar Johnsonius is underway.
Queen to testify that she saw Andrew in Pizza Express
El Queenie to appear in a NYC Court. The Yanks love a Queen, she’ll blow them away, says over entitled twat.
Tories feast on the rotting and bloated flesh of another failed leader
Tories delight “It’s just like the good old days” says one MP as he prepares to feast on another failed leader.
Boris Johnson to lose passport after admitting cocaine use
Spurs fans stocking up after it’s announced that cocaine use would lead to football banning order.
Boris Johnson resists the campaign to get Cox Out
“Nobody works harder from a Caribbean beach than the old Coxster.” says Boris.
Cat burglar bungles burglary at cattery when cats strike back
Catastrophic scenes at cattery as police maim bungling burglar in botched burglary.
UN Criticises Priti Patel for using Doctor’s receptionists to repel migrants
This will go down a treat in the Tory heartlands and with the Daily Mail, says Priti Patel
The Chatty Chimp 