A Just Stop Oil protester was eaten after glueing herself to a tiger this morning, after BP announced they had joined Shell and Equinor in scaling back their renewable energy investments and focusing on increasing oil and gas production instead.

“We thought the nice orange stripes on the beast matched our chosen shade of orange nicely,” a spokesman for the protest group said. “We’ve done all the obvious stuff. We’ve glued ourselves to the motorway, defaced Stonehenge and poured orange powder all over a snooker table, but we’d never used a tiger before.”

JSO are a bit cross today. “Why do the oil companies insist on drilling for oil and gas? Anyone would think it was only about the money.”

A spokesman for the government told us, “Rachel’s chuffed. Oil and gas are great for tax receipts, although she has to look po-faced and disapproving about it in public, expressing her disappointment in those involved in making the decision. Net-zero, and all that.”

A spokesman for BP told us, “We don’t give a flying fuck about Just Stop Oil or the government. Do you know how much we make from oil and gas? It’s incredible.”

A spokesman for the tiger told us, “He was very angry about being used as a green protest prop. He received royalties for years after appearing in an Esso advert where the oil company tried to persuade motorists that they were putting a tiger in their tank. He had no hesitation in killing the protestor at all.”

Meanwhile, money continues to have the final say.