A bag of soft shite has chanced his arm in the Conservative leadership contest. With speculation mounting as to who will fill Theresa May’s shoes, Mr Excrement has boldly stepped forward with his fruitful vision for the future.

Epitomising key Tory values, Mr Excrement boasts a solid heritage, dating back through centuries of landowners. Speaking from the hamlet of Upper Swell, Excrement mused, ‘It’s my intention to provide a firm foundation, from which to grow a bounteous new generation of Conservatives.’

Despite attempts to smear Mr Excrement’s campaign, he remains steadfast and consistent with his ambition, ‘Our country is tired of lies and treachery. What we need is someone who is direct and honest with the electorate from the outset.’

Attempting to re bolster his popularity, Boris Johnson commented, ‘Yes, it’s a slick campaign but I’ve had years of experience in this field. Leave it to the expert.’ Early reports suggest that Brussels have taken a keen interest in Mr Excrement stating, ‘Finally we might have fertile negotiating grounds.’

Meanwhile Brexit continues.