As The Pound continues to plummet, the price of peanuts has been rising steadily. Nuts are seen as the safer option for investors.
The Pound achieves parity with The Peanut
Boris Johnson to be elevated to Sainthood
“Finally, someone appreciates everything I have done.” Says St Boris of Bumbletown, patron saint of liars, cheats and swindlers.
James Webb Telescope unable to find Brexit Benefits
On the plus side, we did find Priti Patel’s compassion hidden on a barren rock 4.4 billion light years away.
Brexit Opportunities Minister makes the most of his opportunity to sell the Pound
Look, if one can do it, anyone can do it, says the man selling Britain, as fast as he can, “It’s a great opportunity”
Priti Patel opens Pop Up Taco Bar to help Ukrainian Refugees
“Why would we bother spying? We recruited most of your civil servants, bought the government and even have our man in the Lords!” says Vlad the Bad
Rats flee sinking ship as party boat springs a leak
The Party Boat, HMS Moronic, crashes into ice berg, rats flee to save their own skins.
Boris reassures the nation’s kids that there is no shortage of Xmas toys
Of course there is a shortage of Xmas toys, Boris has bought them all for his kids!
UN Criticises Priti Patel for using Doctor’s receptionists to repel migrants
This will go down a treat in the Tory heartlands and with the Daily Mail, says Priti Patel
Guild of Fairies denies any association with Boris Johnson
The fairies deny any association with Boris Johnson and they are up in arms at the suggestion, the unicorns aren’t too chuffed either.
Shapps introduces conscription to end HGV Driver shortage
Conscription will make the most of teenagers ability to sit on their arse for hours on end, while eating junk food and farting. said Shatts
The Shite strikes Free Trade Agreement with Mordor
The Shite strikes a Free Trade Agreement with Mordor because it is a long way off and hard to get to
British Fish are as happy as a horse in a lasagne
British Fish are jolly happy to be back in British Waters says over-entitled cockwomble
The Chatty Chimp 