Monkey News

Theresa May’s Guide to a Post-Brexit Britain

In a remarkable show of bloody-mindedness Theresa May held a press conference  confirming her deal was the only deal, there’s no other deal and if everyone didn’t vote for her and let her be PM any more she’d have no choice but to carry on.

In collaboration with Lord Greystoke, she’s produced details of her Post-Brexit vision.

Going forward schools, colleges and universities will teach practical skills like forging and dumpster diving, allowing students to identify edible road-kill, consumable fungi, and how old Dominos is before it’s ‘inedible’. To avoid waste Theresa was keen students also learn how to turn non-edible animal parts into leather trousers, shoes and a small clutch bag.

With the, predicted, breakdown of Law & Order, Theresa  advises “If you can’t afford a moat, speak to your local drug dealer about having a reinforced steel door fitted.”

To support a common-sense approach to the law, the elite and expensive court system will scrapped, with justice dispensed through an app based voting system and lynch mobs.

As the NHS has no staff left, anyone too old, ill or infirm to care for themselves will be left on exposed moorland, mountains or thrown in the sea. This will reduce the benefit bill and end criticism of the governments treatment of disabled people.

Following our departure from the EU, our borders will be reversed and a wall topped with battlements built around the country to stopping anyone from leaving.

Everyone will be forced to believe regaining our ‘Sovereignty’ was a price worth paying, with daily singing of the National Anthem. Failure to wear a poppy will result in a stay in a re-education camp.

The UK will be renamed The Peoples Sovereign Democratic Kingdom of Englandia.

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