In an unexpected twist, the Brexit negotiations have taken a new direction today.

Without consulting Theresa May, Brussels has announced membership of the EU will become available to individuals after the UK leaves the bloc on 29 March 2019. Modest subscriptions, touted to be €1 per year, will be payable, but nothing so much as you’d want to write it on the side of a bus.

In return, individual membership will entitle Remainers to a sense of relief, freedom of movement and a nice lapel badge which says, “I’m British, but I’m not a racist.”

“We didn’t want Prime Minister May to become involved in this,” an EU spokesman said. “She would have seven versions of Individual Membership before you know it and nobody would agree which is best.”

Meanwhile, Parliament has reacted angrily. “How are we supposed to take back control if Johnny Foreigner is dishing memberships out to anybody who wants one? It’s a load of flim-flam,” protested Boris Johnson. “It’s a typical shabby European trick.”

The application process will be rigorous to keep out “the wrong sort.” Points will be awarded to an applicant if he can answer “no” to the questions “Did you vote Leave?” and “Come on, admit it, you’re a bit racist, aren’t you?” and further points will be awarded for positive answers to “Would you withdraw your country’s invoking of Article 50?” and “Do you like holidays in the Dordogne?”

Anybody answering to the name “Boris Johnson” will automatically be barred, no matter how much he secretly wants to be a member.