Controversial new football rules may make dubious penalty decisions a thing of the past. The IFAB (International FA Board) have bought in a rule change which is set to put an end to the endless arguments.

With the change, we may no longer hear anguished football fans cry out “Handball? Come on Ref! Even Stevie Wonder could see that wasn’t a penalty!“. 

IFAB head honcho David Elleray explained, “In the past, if the ball struck a players hand then it was the players fault as he shouldn’t have been going around having hands in the first place. What we’ve decided now, however, is that players should be allowed to have arms, as long as they are not using them to gain an advantage in the match.”

Continuing, Elleray said, “So, we’ve banned goalkeepers and ended throw-ins. From now on when the ball exits the playing surface it will be fired back onto the pitch through a cannon (sponsored by Ladbrokes). Under our new regulations corners will no longer be called ‘corners’ but will instead become Key Ball Re-Entry points and all of them will be taken by David Beckham, assuming he’s not too busy selling pants.”

Asked if they would next move to clarify similar issues surrounding offside decisions, Elleray said this, “I don’t see any problem with offsides. What could be clearer? A player is not interfering, unless he is, and if he is then he can’t not be, and if he can’t not be then it must not be an offside unless it’s in the second-half of the match and the linesman hasn’t got his contacts in. Simples.”

The controversial new football rules are sure to mean that we still sit around for hours arguing about the cheating bastards on the other team.