Conscription is to make a comeback. Rumours are circulating in Whitehall that the Secretary of State for Transport, Grant Shapps, is on the verge of introducing conscription to boost the number of Heavy Goods Vehicle drivers. The plan will see 18 year olds who haven’t been educated in Eaton, Harrow or Gordonstoun being compelled to serve as HGV drivers for two years.

Two years in haulage is what they need. It’ll make men of ‘em, especially if they are female

Coronel Periwinkle Wadtunic, Military Logistics Expert.

The HGV Conscripts will be given six weeks intensive HGV instruction before being let loose with supermarket delivery wagons on the highways of the UK. The scheme will be run by a new Non Governmental Organisation organisation called ROTfL (Roadways Organisation -Transport for Long-haul) and headed up by amateur football coach ‘Wally’ Wallace.

Wally is the ideal person for the job, his experience in driving the team minibus every second Saturday will be invaluable.

Grant Schnapps, Under Secretary of State for Transport.

The opposition parties are understood to be backing the scheme:

We need to put aside political differences and join with the Government on this; we will all be ROTfL.

Keith Starman, a giggling geezer!