The annual lack of personality award goes to a colossal dullard.

I'd already erected the goalposts, painted the lines, and was partway through slicing the oranges.

I am considering moving to Manchester United, so I don't have to play him again

Man United, booted out of Europe's second most pointless trophy, they don't even have the consolation of a consolation prize…

Man Utd player asks for the EPL to be delayed so he can finish his book

Subbuteo, where players can't fall down, the ref's word is law and there is an awful lot of flicking going…

I'll be ready once I've remodelled the kitchen and added a conservatory

Golf, golf, golf, that is all he thinks about! I'm sure he prefers his golfing buddies to me!