Tue. Nov 24th, 2020
Koalageddon

A film crew from Edinburgh has been arrested in New South Wales following their attempts to film the Australian Bush Fires as a backdrop for a low-budget disaster movie.

Four crewmembers of Blazing Monkey Productions, a Leith-based amateur filmmaking company, were apprehended just outside of Port Macquarie in Australia, having been caught trying to film ‘Koalageddon’ in the middle of a burning forest, featuring two actors dressed like demonic Koala-babies and a large cardboard helicopter, which later also caught on fire.

Koalageddon
Hey Bruce!

We spoke to Port Macquarie Fire Chief Bruce McKenzie who told us,

“Not only was the film crew reckless and a danger to themselves, our brave firefighters and the film industry in general, but we’re further offended because ‘Koalageddon’ is a sh*t title and basically not even a pun.”

“We just thought we’d capitalise on the Bush Fires,” Blazing Monkey’s Producer and brunch-enthusiast Floyd Duncan explained from the Aussie penal colony he’s now being forced to repair shoes in. “We thought, it’d save our CGI budget if we actually just get all up in the flames, get the boys out in their highly-flammable koala suits, pass around some wooden swords, pour napalm everywhere and film some epic stunts.”

The trouble in Australia is also causing problems due to the amount of smutty euphemisms managing to creep their way into news reports, including references to Koalas, going Down Under and Bush Fires themselves. A new Carry-On Film, the first since 1992, is due to be released later this month based on those three references alone.

Grandad in a care home
I say Matron, you couldn’t just give it a little rub could you?

Already the Bush Fire madness has spread to the UK, where businesses are also trying to capitalise on the event Chief McKenzie is referring to as “The Devil’s Crack-Wind.”

It has been reported that prestigious London Michelin-star restaurant Chilly Bishop’s is serving “Australian Toast”, as part of its new breakfast menu, which consists of a piece of bread cremated to dust, served on a boomerang shaped plate with a side of avocado, and costing £18.

“Not only are the Bush Fires extremely dangerous,” McKenzie continued, “but they’ve got an aptitude for allowing people to use cheap, Australian stereotypes and sh*tty puns for personal gain and low-brow comedy. For one, we f*cking hate avocado, mate.”

Emergency Avocados
UN send emergency avocados to Sydney

We’ll have more of this story as it spreads.

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By Eden Luke McIntyre

Eden Luke McIntyre is a script writer, editor, sketch writer/performer, radio producer and all round scrivener. If you've any little job, project or gig that may utilise his talents ping an email to edenluke@chattychimp.co

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