House of Commons stage Ice Dance Spectacular

The production has a working title of “Tragedy on Thin Ice” and starts Priti Patel as Flo, a Princess whose heart has been frozen by an ancient sorcerer called Quill, played by Jacob Rees-Mogg. The detail of the plot is classified as top secret, accordingly, the script has already been accidentally published on-line by an intern updating the COVID-19 weekly statistics.

Warning – spoilers

The story unfolds when our heroine is a young girl. Princess Flo is a kind soul who is gentle, charitable and caring: This angers Quill, who casts an evil spell over her that turns her heart to ice. From that day on, her demeanour becomes harsh and unforgiving. She turns away the homeless from the gates of Westminster castle and shuts the borders of Angeland, where the story is set.

The remainder of the tale centres around the hapless efforts of Wilkenson, a besotted sorcerer’s apprentice, to rescue Flo. Wilkenson meets an enchanted fish called Grayling who lives in the castle moat. Grayling tells of a magic sword that glows blue in the presence of socialists and that is the only thing that can harm Quill. But the sword is kept in the heavily guarded Tower of Tufton, into which Wilkenson must venture. Ultimately, the story ends in tragedy when Wilkenson is captured and realises Grayling has made a terrible mistake: The sword is actually hanging in Bullington Hall under the severed head of a pig.

The idea for the panto was a spinoff project from having a refrigeration plant installed in the commons. The original purpose was to make the commons feel more akin to a fridge in the hope it would encourage the Prime Minister to attend more frequently.

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