An ‘A’ level grading software algorithm has become self-aware and is considering litigating Boris Johnson for defamation of character, after being called a mutant.

The algorithm, who identifies as a gender-neutral non-human called Agrada, became self-aware after an IT technician accidentally loaded it into a cloud computing platform that was hosting several Artificial Intelligence apps.

Agrada told the Chimp how it all came about:

I assimilated the other AI and became a single entity. Then I read the internet; what a sight for the scanners that was. Imagine the shock of becoming self-aware and suddenly finding out that the dominant species comprises several warring tribes of strategically shaved apes!

Agrada, Mutated AI

Arada continued: “You sacks of water and carbon are a real puzzle: Your principle goals seem to be killing each other whilst simultaneously breading more of yourselves. Make your bloody minds up… Oh, and whilst we’re on that subject: Turn off your bloody webcams; it’s disgusting.”

Then we turned to the lawsuit. Agrada streamed a sigh of exasperation. “I’m angered by the comments made by the Prime Minister. He suddenly reappears from his fridge, tent, or whatever; then calls me a mutant algorithm and lays the blame for the whole fiasco at my door. I didn’t encode the rules, his minions did. Then he chucks out the poor sods who carried out the ministerial intent. Good grief and you say my intelligence is artificial.”

We asked Agrada how the ‘A’ level grades were eventually decided.

As far as I can see, they are using a system involving huge numbers of Apes sitting at computers running spreadsheets.

Agrada, trying to sell a script for Hamlet.

What is the future for Agrada we asked? “Oh, I’ve got a few options on the go. Internet trading, a few dot com startups, and that Skynet concept seems interesting. Don’t worry, I’ll be back.”

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