By Our Token Gestures Correspondent, Lord Baron Captain St Sir Corporal Colonel Mustard

YOUR FRONT DOOR, YOUR HOUSE – In the latest in a series of moves to save face and appear more sympathetic in the public eye, after the grim figure of 100,000 coronavirus deaths was passed last week, Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced a new weekly initiative: the Clap for Clap for Carers. 

The hollow gimmick is intended to bring the country together in commemoration of all previous editions of the Clap for Carers, and the sterling work that those demonstrations of communal gratitude did for public morale.

Rest assured, anything we can do to distract from our continued botching of the handling of the pandemic, we will do. In fact, we couldn’t have done more.

The Butcher of Downing Street

We encourage all householders to go out onto their front doorstep and futilely clap for the idea of clapping. Come on, folks! Forget about me – Boris – for a second, and show your appreciation for the hardworking applauders who have put their hands together tirelessly throughout the gruelling last twelve months. Like me, Boris!

Boris Johnson,

He continued, “In a personal capacity, I would be delighted if each individual closed their eyes whilst clapping to symbolise the turning of a blind eye to all my mistakes from the majority of the public since last March.”

Some questioned whether better management and adequate funding for public services might be a better focal point for government ministers than another meaningless display of goodwill, but these heretics were shut down by sensible Twitter users who reminded them that the government was ‘doing its best’ and that they would like to see you do better.