In a desperate attempt to win votes, Fishy Sunak tried to appeal to the plastic patriots who read the Daily Mail. By promising to reintroduce conscription, he’s bringing in another policy that will never happen.

“Polling shows people have forgotten why conscription was abandoned in the first place. You must remember that the mentally retarded nostalgia junkies that used to vote for us love this shit. They want everyone to be as miserable as them.”

However, in another hilarious mix-up, the government mistakenly pledged to conscript pensioners. Trying to conceal his surprise when his tame interviewer, Laura Kuenssberg, asked about this radical plan, he doubled down on the poorly thought-out gambit.

“Under the plan, we will conscript everyone over the age of 60, no matter their state of health and train them up as first-line infantry. In stage two, we will pick a war with a tin pot nation and blindly wheel our brave troops into the waiting guns.”

It is believed this will allow the government to wax lyrical for the next forty years about the heroism of the British Tommy, say our troops are the best in the world and engage in patriotic photo shoots every November.

“Laura, you must remember there will also be important social changes. The housing crisis will be solved; as grandparents die off, the younger family members will reap the benefit. They will have to pay a windfall tax to fund the scheme; that goes without saying. And all of those whining bleeding hearts going on about the crisis in social care and the shortage of care works, they can do one too!”

The desperate weasel outlined other benefits, such as reduced NHS demand, scrapping free eye tests and prescriptions, and stopping state pensions. There is even talk of removing the Senior’s rail card and bowel screening as unnecessary luxuries.
As with any scheme of this nature, some are exempt from conscription. Under the proposal, those with a total wealth of over £10 million or who hold embarrassing ministerial secrets will not be forced to defend the nation.

Questions were raised about the impact on national security. Once Fishy stopped laughing, he explained that the whole idea of national security was a joke. “Who are we going to fight? We can’t take on China, the USA and Russia; they are too big, and we’ve already sold them the country, so there would be no need to go to war. Europe is too united, India and Japan are too far away, and the Middle East is too rich. Most of Africa is owned by China, and we’ve already done South America. No, it will be some tin pot nation in the back of beyond, one that has no chance of conquering us but to whom we can sell lots of lovely guns just before we declare war on them.”

“I love this policy; it is winner, winner chicken dinner! In no way is this fuck up the latest instalment in my incredibly incompetent election campaign. We meant to do it, honest.” Said Fishy.

Kier Stamer was asked for a comment, “No, don’t be silly, we are not doing that”, he replied.

Meanwhile, your government continues.