Only days into the new Parliament, Labour is coming under pressure as Keir Starmer absconds to America.

The new government swept to power on a combination of Tory hopelessness and a chorus of Things Can Only Get Better, but a closer inspection of their manifesto reveals promises which surely can’t be kept.

The new Minister at the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, Lisa Nandy, has an immediate problem to solve. “Who the hell thought it was a good idea for Labour to promise a winning England football team?” she asked us, “And why are all the Scottish Labour MPs wearing red and orange scarves today?”

The Minister with the biggest headache, though, is brand new MP, Ian Napton, the member for South Somewhere Nice. “I’ve only just been voted in, the train to London was cancelled, and now I’m here, I find I’ve been appointed to a new department. I’m the Minister for Weather, and all this bloody rain is suddenly my fault. Starmer tells me he wants it dry and sunny by the time he gets home.”

With a massive majority earned from the 35% share of a low turnout, the government is convinced that the people are fully behind their ambitious policies. Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner told us, “Let’s face it, if we can make England win a football match and then it stops raining, people will think we’re miracle workers. Then Nandy can get to work on the big stuff, like next year’s Eurovision Song Contest entries and a white Christmas.”

The Opposition was too busy fighting among themselves as to who would be the Party Leader to give us a comment, but the Parliamentary new boy, Nigel Farage, spoke up. “We’re pressing the government to take back control of the weather and to reject sunny European summers the country voted against in 2016.”

It seems Starmer’s honeymoon is already over and the country will judge harshly if the manifesto isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. Before long, we may hear cries of “Labour out.”

Meanwhile, the new government continues.