As St Elon of Doge faces his toughest battle, Donald Trumpton has urged the faithful to put their hands together and pray.

“Now, more than ever, I need to keep the little muskrat on my side. If every loyal American prays for one hour a day, God will help St Elon make enough money to give me half a billion dollars to buy new golf shoes. The Big G has told me this will come to pass. Send thoughts, prayers and cash.”

“It’s your Christian duty to support St Elon as he puts thousands of people out of work, punishes the poor and the starving, and reduces the USA to a global laughing stock.”

Now, in full flow, the orange snake oil salesman went on to say. “If you don’t have time to pray, send money. It’s your Christian duty to buy a Tesla; they’re great! With Jesus on our side, we can get even richer.”

Jesus was unavailable for comment, but his spokesangel said, “Jesus doesn’t want anything to do with this shit show. Have any of these fuckers ever read my book?”

Keen to get in on the grift, hundreds of churches opened prayer workshops, allowing the faithful to donate to the poor, misunderstood billionaire.

“St Elon is being poorly tested by these evil left-wing, socialist fools. Anti-fascist, anti-America more like. These commie scum are undermining the American dream. St Elon is living proof that the American Dream works. He comes over here with nothing but millions of dollars and an emerald mine. Now look at him, the richest man on the damned planet. They say America is racist, but here is proof that even an African American can make it. Shit, I’d vote for him.” Said The Reverend Al Napton (No Relation).

Peggy-Sue Napton (No Relation), from the ‘Hooters for Trump’ campaign, said, “I’m ready to do my bit for the cause. St Elon can bless my pussy anytime he wants.”

St Elon, meanwhile, pleaded for people to stop burning his cars, trashing his service centres and not buying his cars, “One little salute shouldn’t stop you all from loving me. Look what I did for you! Anyway, it wasn’t a Nazi salute. I have these spasms in my right arm; it just went off. Please buy one of my cars, I’m nice.”

Meanwhile, your government sucks.