Plucky Brit, Nigel Farage, has missed out on gold at the Hide-and-Seek World Championships. The country was left disappointed. Nigel promised so much in the early rounds, victory seemed assured. Sadly, it was not to be, as the seeking part of the contest proved to be his Achilles’ elbow.

NF won the right to represent Britain after 50,000 Clactonians spent two years searching high and low for him. This consistent performance elevated him to the top of the UK rankings, ahead of Philip Schofield, Huw Edwards and AM-W. Qualification for the Worldies was assured when 649 Hide-and-Seek experts fruitlessly searched Westminster for any trace of him.

He was almost caught when reports surfaced claiming he’d been spotted in the Chagos Islands. However, he made a swift exit on “a friend’s” private jet, and once again, he had gotten away with it.

With that, it was off to the finals. Mr Mirage faced a seasoned competitor in the American President. Donald J. Trump has a lifetime of experience in not getting caught. Each of his escapes proved to be bolder and more daring than the last. He is the outstanding candidate in his weight class.

To add to Le Grande Fromage’s problems, the American had a strong home advantage; the final was held in his house.

Nigel got off to a strong start, confidently counting to ten, before loudly shouting, “Coming, ready or not!”

Gary Lineker, in live commentary, noted that this seemed to be a schoolboy error: “You can’t give a player of Trump’s experience advance warning. Once he knows you are coming, he’s off like a stealth bomber in the Middle East. I’m surprised our boy walked into that one.”

Sadly, despite an intense few days of looking in every closet, dining room and sex dungeon, Donald remained undiscovered.

Nigel returned to the UK, disappointed, bereft, and bemoaning his lot in life. “I’ve been undone by the woke. If it hadn’t been for those bloody liberals, I would have won. It’s not fair.” He didn’t explain how ‘treacherous lefties’ had helped Donald avoid him ‘like the plague’.

Next up for the Fartful Dodger is what is expected to be a hotly contested match against HMRC, the Electoral Commission. Jeffrey Epstein and the Parliamentary Standards Authority. Our fingers are crossed. Meanwhile, the Fartful Dodger continues to bob and weave his way into our hearts

Meanwhile, the Fartful Dodger continues to bob and weave his way into our hearts.