The England squad has been hit by a number of late drop-outs for their vital home friendly against the United States. Even though the game has been ear-marked as a send-off for one of England’s all-time greats, a low attendance is expected, and several key players have declared themselves unavailable.

England manager, Gareth Southgate, told the press; “It’s unfortunate but some players weren’t able to join up with this week. Kane’s at the Dog and Duck quiz night, he reckons they’ve got a good shot at getting amongst the prizes this week, I can’t deny him a chance like that. Jack Butland’s washing what’s left of his hair, Kieran Trippier’s getting his tramlines redone, even Jermaine Defoe’s got an eye appointment. We reached out to other players, but no luck. Harry Winks is on a walking tour of Bristol, Jamie Vardy’s selling dodgy knock-off VCR’s out the back of his mate’s van, we just can’t seem to catch a break.”

Luckily, a few last-minute calls seem to have done the trick and Southgate has been able to name a strong side, featuring Gordon Banks between the sticks, Tony Adams partnering Sol Campbell at the back, Alex from Love Island is filling in at right back, while the left back slot is filled by a vending machine. Two of the stadium security team have offered to make up the central midfield, while rank amateur Marcus Rashford will play from the right. On the left is Stormzy, while up-front Gareth goes with a relatively untried pairing of Danny Dyer and, controversially, Callum Wilson. Nobody is holding out much hope.