Monkey Games

RIP Tiger Would, champion golfer sadly missed by cocktail waitresses everywhere

Legendary US golfer, Tiger Would, has passed away, aged 42.

The greatest golfer of his generation, he was found suffocated in a Las Vegas hotel suite, dressed as a cocktail waitress and with an orange stuffed in his mouth. Police say there are no suspicious circumstances.

Would, a 14 time Major Champion, took winning in his stride, and treated a broken leg as a mere inconvenience en route to the 2008 US Open.

Success as a young professional brought significant prize money and a vast sponsorship deal with Nike. In return for the sponsorship millions, all Would had to do was wear their branded sportswear and never mention child labour in press conferences.

A wealthy young man, Would wasn’t short of female attention and he eventually married a Swedish model. Some thought he had it all. World domination at his chosen profession, a beautiful wife, untold wealth and the adoration of millions of cocktail waitresses everywhere.

However his world came crashing down with allegations of infidelity, and generally bad behaviour. Eventually he was arrested, although unusually for a black man in the states, the police didn’t shoot him.

Following the very public separation and divorce from his wife sponsorship opportunities began to dry up. Although his long term sponsors, Nike, stood by him showing the value of cash over integrity.

Surprisingly he didn’t take the opportunity to capitalise on his sexual prowess by choosing to endorse a brand of condoms, with the tag line “For when your balls deep in the rough”. 

After a long absence from the game, and with an ageing body, victories were elusive. Eventually though, shortly before his death, he managed one last tour victory and a welcome return to the public’s affections.

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