Monkey Business

Southern Rail to introduce External Class rail travel in a bid to reduce train over crowding

As Southern Rail’s beleaguered customers quietly fume at yet another fare increase in return for ever poorer service, the company’s ‘Managers’ have come up with a cunning plan. 

Following a recent trip to India, Senior Manager Ian Napton was impressed with the effectiveness of Indian Rail’s external seating class. It effectively doubled the capacity of each train, at no extra cost to the company. 

Ever the bright spark, Ian realised Southern Rail could halve the number of trains on the network, cutting staff and ongoing running costs, with no impact on the quality of service. Unless he was mistaken, there was a nice juicy bonus in this. 

The company claim the additional capacity will benefit them enormously and those travelling ‘outside class’ will benefit from a small reduction in fares, shareholders will be ‘quids-in’.

Southern believe travelling on the outside of the train can’t be more uncomfortable than being inside one of their trains. Passengers are out in the open, there’s plenty of room to move about and their customers will get to see the wonderful countryside.

Ian explained “As safety is paramount, we’ve installed additional hand holds and constructed a water-tight legal Waiver of Responsibility, ensuring the shareholders are fully protected.”

There will be some changes, passenger loading times at stations will need to increase, livestock and bicycles will be banned, customers should bring their own umbrella’s and a crash helmet is advisable. 

Chris Grayling said, “This is the kind of innovative thinking that will ensure we will make Britain Great Again. I will take full credit for it until it, inevitably, goes wrong.”

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