Extensive medical research into male hearing, has left many women slightly unsurprised but bitterly disappointed nevertheless.

Studies confirm the hypothesis that hearing in men is indeed selective, or more commonly known as, ‘cocking a deafen.’

At best 80% of partners admitted to listening to their spouses 50% of the time, reducing to a mere 11%, if any sport was on telly. A further 91% declared to have 0% interest in the love lives, animals, shoes or eating habits of their wife’s colleagues or family.

Another 75% confessed, that their capacity to process words was halved, when their companion asked erroneous questions such as, ‘’Does my bum look big in this?’’or ‘’Am I too old for this outfit ?’’ In fact, the remaining 25% of the sample, felt obliged to disagree, as they were concerned for their personal safety and that of their golf clubs.

Speaking from a safe house, Steve Napton of Croydon boldly confessed his general frustration at his wife’s capacity to use thousands of words, when five would suffice. Airing his grievances he divulged, ‘’In truth, I couldn’t give a monkey’s cuss if she’s having a ‘fugly’ day. I just want to watch the mighty West Ham in peace.’’

Acknowledging these findings, many women have responded by saying they’re ‘fine’, when in fact they have the raging arsehole.