The fire at Notre Dame cathedral would have engulfed the whole of Paris if it hadn’t been for the millions of prayers offered up to God, says the leading Catholic deity.

Hundreds of firefighters who risked life and limb throughout the night to douse the flames will be relieved to know that their efforts were pointless, as he could have extinguished the fire any time he liked, said God at a post-conflagration press conference. “Yeah that was definitely me,” he said. “The angels said they were getting all these prayers asking me to stop the fire destroying one of my houses, so I took immediate action and put the blaze out about eight hours later. I could have razed the city to the ground if I’d felt like it, but I guess I’m just munificent like that.” 

“I know some of you people stood around throwing water at the cathedral, and that’s nice of you, but to be honest I’m the omnipotent one around here and frankly anything you do to help is just dicking around. I mean knock yourselves out if it makes you happy, but credit where it’s due, please. Just stick to praying, which is good for letting me know what’s going on down there. If you could all try asking for the same thing that’d help. Your call is very important to us, but we’re experiencing a high volume of prayers at the moment and it’s not possible to answer all of them straight away. Or at all, actually.”

When asked if he could maybe have intervened to prevent the fire in the first place, God was unequivocal. “No way. That was all down to you. Come on, people, give me a break. I can’t hold your hands all the bloody time, can I. What am I, your father?”