It’s Homeopathy! The results are finally in, the science of woo has won the referendum. Following a hard fought, bitter, campaign that saw a lot of strong emotional appeals, Britain has today committed to inalienably altering its attempts to combat heart disease.

The Conservative MP, Lloyd Duncan, explained, “Clearly we, elected members of parliament, were unqualified to decide such a complex matter as the future of heart disease treatment in this country and so, in accordance with modern traditions, we have laid out a range of options before the people in the form of a referendum.”

The government has already committed to throwing its resources behind the public’s choice which, with 41% of the vote, was homeopathy. From now on NHS patients suffering heart disease will be treated through homeopathic ‘methods’ after it beat competition from science (36%), religion (21%) and just hoping it goes away on its own (7%).

Lloyd Duncan was ecstatic with the result, “We look forward, in the future, to putting the responsibility for further ginormous questions squarely at the feet of the electorate. Of course, the naysayers will trot out the usual ‘we elect people to inform themselves of the matter in hand and cast votes accordingly’ and ‘what the fuck does some bloke from Hull know about it anyway?’, but this vote has proved, yet again, that the people must be listened to, even if they’re just shouting obscenities from the top-deck of a bus somewhere in the north.”