Air travellers are to be subjected to compulsory intelligence tests following an increase in passengers unable to understand concepts such as ‘one’ and ‘shut the fuck up’.

Ladies will be asked to choose from a number of pictures showing passengers with different quantities of cabin bags. Only those correctly identifying ‘one’ bag will be allowed to purchase tickets.

Air traveller Lizzie Spratt said: “This is a doddle. That woman has one bag. Plus a tote, plus a handbag, and a duty-free carrier, a purse and a laptop case. As well as her neck pillow, make-up case and washbag, which don’t count of course. So quite clearly one cabin bag. I’m glad the airlines are doing this, though, since it’s incredibly annoying to find the overhead lockers completely full when you get on board.”

Meanwhile, men will need to guess the appropriate quantity of pre-flight alcohol in absolute terms and relative to the time of day.

Stag party aficionado Giles Davis said he was confident. “Everyone loves a bit of good-natured bants, by which I mean vomiting and violence, from the lads on a flight, and the earlier the better in my book. So I’m saying six pints as a minimum to board, with no real upper limit.”

ZoomAir spokeswoman Wendy Flaps said: “Obviously, testing the intelligence of Brexiteers will reduce traveller numbers sharply. But then post-Brexit none of them will be able to travel anyway. Win-win, as far as we’re concerned.”