In a recent Sky Interview, controversial wackadoodle and politician, Ann Widdecombe looked forward to science finding a cure for gayness. However, in so doing she has alienated Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

The Son of God moved quickly to disassociate himself, from the committed Catholic, saying, “No, that’s not right. You really haven’t got my message at all.”

“Over the last couple of centuries, my popularity has declined. I’ve been working very hard to get my message of peace and love to a wider audience; I can’t have mental dingbats going out and offending our target audience. Doesn’t she know that we’re living in the metro-sexual age?”

Jesus confirmed that Leviticus did appear to say that ‘laying with another man’ was a sin, but he doesn’t see this as justifying homophobia. Times were different, with high mortality rates we needed to boost the birth rate. He pointed out that Leviticus also bans picking up fallen grapes (19:10), so obviously some discretion in interpretation is needed.

He added, “I’m not in a position to judge gays, I was a 33-year-old single man who’d never had a girlfriend, I idolised my mum, worked in the theatre and spent every day with a gang of strong, fit, young men. I was in great physical shape, with a beautiful golden, glossy, beard, shoulder length of hair, great skin and my favourite treat was a nice pedicure. Not be stereotypical, but the clues were all there.”

His spokesman went on to confirm that Christianity’s central messages are for everyone to love each other and don’t be a c*nt.