Sat. Sep 25th, 2021
Brabantia counting on her fingers

A Highgate headteacher is under fire, for ‘adopting a hard, conventionalist line’, following his decision to ‘label’ a six-year-old pupil, as ‘not expected to reach the minimum standard’, in her year two SATs.

With media controversy already raging over the statutory tests, Mr Targett is alleged to have ‘demoralised a misunderstood and artistic soul.

Speaking emotionally, Leaf Napton reflected, ‘It’s heart-breaking to witness, that poor Brabantia-Dragonflower’s true potential has not been recognised, yet again.’

Responding to these claims, Targett informed us, ‘While we have every sympathy with parents over the ever changing educational goalposts, I’m afraid that interpretive dance and drama movements, during controlled test conditions, will not earn candidates any points.’

On reflection, the local authority SATs moderator professed his ‘huge surprise at an infant using the phrase ‘‘oppressive bourgeoisie’’ in a verbal sentence’ but would have much preferred her to ‘be able to spell high frequency words and hold a pencil correctly.’

Disgruntled, speaking from their detached Victorian townhouse, Leaf and Olivia Napton have vowed to continue to ‘rage against machine’.

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By Lady Tamsyn Marie

Lady Tamsyn Marie elegant, charming and more vicious than Mary Poppins

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!