As the Edinburgh Festival kicks off, supplies of Avocado, Quinoa and Hummus have reached drastically low levels, with many restaurants having their entire menu wiped out. One restaurant was forced to close by 11.30 in the morning after smashing their last avocado.

The problem was caused by the sudden influx of Middle Englanders. Stranded North of the Border and miles from the nearest Waitrose, desperate families rushed to Stockbridge restaurants only to find the doors locked. Gilly Giles said “I don’t know what we are going to do. If Giles doesn’t get his poached duck egg and smashed av on sourdough he’s grumpy all day.”

One Bistronaut commented “We tried to substitute brown rice for Quinoa in the hope that no one would notice but 4 tables got up and walked out. We are going to try and re-label it as an ancient Scottish staple, recently rediscovered and with magic slimming and health-giving properties. Our Chef has decided to call it ‘Ewfuel’, if we charge three times the price we reckon they’ll buy it. If that doesn’t work we’ll have to close.”

The UN issued a statement saying that they exist to give aid and succour to those most in need regardless of where they live. However, this cause is particularly close to their hearts as many of their friends have been directly affected.

If you want to help, Waitrose have set up donation points in their stores and they’ll ensure that emergency supplies of Avocado, Quinoa and Hummus are sent to the UN for distribution to the beleaguered.