Wed. Jan 27th, 2021

Lewis Hamilton wins hotly contested Sports Lack of Personality of the Year Award

A man who drives a car has won an award for blandness, it was announced yesterday.

Car go vroom. I drive fast. I like going in circles. I don’t like tax.

Lewis Hamilton, Milquetoast Man

Hamilton proceeded to seemingly unironically dedicate victory to his ‘green icon’, Greta Thunberg.

I want to do everything I can to save our precious environment, with all its diverse ecosystems. Everything, that is, except change my lifestyle in the slightest. So long as I can continue to burn gallon upon gallon of petrol, as I surge round a racetrack at 300 mph every day of my life – then fly home to my mansion in a private jet – I’m desperate to make a difference.

Lewis Hamilton, Ineffective Green Campaigner and tax-dodger

Other nominees were left distraught at the outcome.

I have cultivated the dullest possible public persona over the last thirty years, only to have this young upstart steal my crown. Why do you think I’ve spent my life poking balls around a table with a stick? For fun? Well, I didn’t see anyone smiling, did you?

Steve Davis, Snookerist and 6 Times winner of the World’s most boring man

Boxer Tyson Fury added, “It’s my own fault for being too interesting. I should have realised that no one wants to be entertained.”

After a year in which we relied on communal spirit and our vital publicly-funded services to keep us going through the darkest times, it seems only right that a man of the people like Hamilton should triumph.

Having based my entire personality around tax avoidance, I am the embodiment of public-spiritedness in Britain today,

Lewis Shamilton, Son of Stevenage

By Our Charisma Correspondent, Blandie McDowell  

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By Dan Flanagan

One of the younger members of the troop, his sharp eye, cutting commentary and abundant talent has put the old chimps into a sulk.

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