Monkey Games

Following Team USA’s thrashing in The Ryder Cup in Paris, Trump declares a new Golf War

Donald Trump was understandably upset at last weekend’s golf results from France – or as he calls it “that place where they don’t like me, where my fries come from.” Accordingly he’s taken a number of very quick, and ill thought-out decisions to address the massive collapse of Team USA, in the Ryder Cup.

He has immediately called for the Team USA Captain, Jim Furyk, to be fired. He said, “Jim, you’re fired.”.

As Trump watched the debacle unfold on his gold plated TV he grew increasingly angry. He raved to his burger chef, “I should have been a Captain’s pick. How could Furyk ignore me? I am a multiple Trump Golf Club Champion. Why did he choose Phil Mickelson over me? He couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. Tigger Woods played more like Eyeore and Master’s Champion, Patrick Reed made a useless Apprentice, in fact, I’d fire him too.”

Under Donald’s plan for future contests:

  • Team USA will no longer play against all of Europe – this was unfair competition. Future Ryder Cups will revert to the USA playing against Great Britain and Ireland.
  • All future events will be held in the USA. Picking teams of 12 players when half of them had never been outside America, will avoid the problem of getting new passports and ensure there are no more partisan European crowds.
  • Players selected for Team USA will have to be card carrying members of the “re-elect Trump”  Campaign and donate half their enormous earnings to my campaign.
  • Future Captains of Team USA must not overlook the claims of the President to be part of the team, either as a player or a motivational speaker.
  • Any American ball finishing in water will be ignored and play will continue as though it hasn’t happened.
  • No European would be allowed to play with American golf equipment.
  • Team USA will be deemed the winner, regardless of the score, because I’m The Best.

Meanwhile the assembled multi-national Europeans continued their party and gloated about how they sent the Yanks home with their tails between their legs.

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