Monkey News

Government declares tomorrow’s leaked Brexit report out of date

The government has declared that tomorrow’s, as yet unpublished Brexit Report, is out of date.

The report, signed off by senior civil servants, makes it clear that a No Deal Brexit will be damaging to the UK economy and put lives at risk. Experts from all sides agreed the report was accurate ‘as far as it goes’ but that the reality will be much worse.

The Government were quick to rebut the upcoming leaked report, claiming it’s scandalous that people should leak reports which the public ought to be aware of, but which they want to hush up.

When asked about the reports details, Ian Napton from the DExEu stuck his fingers in his ears, closed his eyes and sung  “Na,na,na, na nah!” over and over again. Many commentators concluded that this briefing statement had been prepared by Boris Johnson.

By declaring the report as out of date, The Government hope to play down the impact of its apocalyptic warning. One critic however pointed out that it’s out of date in the same way that an expired passport is still you. The warnings are still valid.

Professor Brian Cocks weighed in to the fray claiming The Government had “rewritten the laws of time and space”. If something can be out of date before it’s happened it opens up a world of dazzlingly incomprehensible astrophysical possibilities, a bit like Brexit.

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