Tue. Jan 25th, 2022
Ticket Barrier

A normal human being has been arrested outside of Gunnersbury Tube Station after threatening to murder everyone for walking too slowly.

Tom Merton, (25) from Glasgow, was apprehended by the British Transport Police when slow-walking Londoners made him eight seconds late for his District Line service. The normal-speed-walking Glaswegian lost his temper and kicked one of the automatic ticket barriers when the business executive in front of him decided to stop to make sure his accounts were in order over his Bluetooth headset.

First responder at the scene PC Sarah Abbingdon stated “Normally when we get a call about a Scot kicking off in a Tube station, there’s a match on – but this was something else. We needed four armed officers, two dogs and tear gas to stop this man from cutting the queue.”

Not taking the threat of murdering god-awfully slow early-morning commuters lightly, the BTP swiftly took Mr Merton into custody in order to explain how the Contactless/Oyster Card system works.

A commuter at the scene later told us “I’d seen nothing like it. I honestly thought – no, I can’t even say it – I honestly thought he was going to jump the barrier.”

BTP have been reporting an increase in unsavoury behaviour at Tube stations due to slow-walking ignoramuses, including walking up the wrong side of the stairs, stopping in everyone’s path to take photos of the stupid notice boards, and casual abuse towards Tube staff for either not knowing anything about anything or being far too cheerful about nothing.

Mr Merton is due to be released but has unfortunately been delayed at a red signal and is being held in the station for the time being.


By Eden Luke McIntyre

Eden Luke McIntyre is a script writer, editor, sketch writer/performer, radio producer and all round scrivener. If you've any little job, project or gig that may utilise his talents ping an email to edenluke@chattychimp.co

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