SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, USA – Just days after a high court judgement reaffirmed the couple’s right to privacy, the (for now) Duke and Duchess of Sussex revealed that their next slice of cake will be ready to have and then eat as well at some point in the autumn. 

In a not-at-all cringeworthy and cliché Instagram post, a barefoot Prince Harry leaned against a tree, cradling his wife Meghan Markle, also barefoot, as the globetrotting couple sub-textually emphasised their connection with Mother Nature. Alongside the lovers sat a cake-stand, as well as a large dish, knife and fork, symbolising their even more inextricable link with hypocrisy. A meaningful black-and-white filter added the teenage photography student aesthetic which is the Sussexes’ mise en scene. 

“We are so delighted to share with you our new Sussex Royal cake, baking in the oven as we speak,” ran the text. “This is the next step on our little family’s journey. We can’t wait to eat a delicious cake together, safe in the knowledge that we can also save it for later. It’s all we’ve ever dreamed of. Now don’t infringe on our privacy or we’ll sue. Avert your eyes. We’re not fucking joking.”

The touchingly intimate portrait of the couple invited well-wishers and old women who never miss Homes Under the Hammer alike, directly into Harry and Meghan’s private lives, which of course they want to keep entirely to themselves. 

“We’ve suffered – oh, how we’ve suffered! – and I know H agrees with me on this – don’t you, H? – that no one has struggled during this last year like we have.”

Emoted Meghan, Sussex spokesperson

Fanning herself with a number of personal letters from her father, the Duchess continued, “So now it feels great to say, ‘let them eat cake!’. Or, rather, ‘let them share the cake that we have holistically and organically cultivated together!’ As long as they don’t work for the Sun – then they aren’t getting any.”

“We’re happy to dole out crumbs to the starving masses as and when we see fit, but no paparazzo will be licking our bowl and rummaging through our pantry anymore!” concluded Meghan, who strenuously denied that there would be the slightest trace of irony in the cake when it emerged from the cooker.

Millions of ‘Sussex Royal’ social media followers worldwide, along with the remaining family members on both sides of the Atlantic that the pair are not estranged from, were reportedly ecstatic at the news.

“What I’m happiest about is that I’m receiving the news at all,” said Hydrangea Benson-Hedges, Countess of Monmouth and sixty-third in line to the throne. “No one that close to the Palace has contacted me in years, but I guess at this point Harry and Meghan will take friends where they can get them.”

“I thought I’d never hear from the Sussexes again after their denouncement of ‘dehumanising’ media scrutiny,” confessed the minor royal. “How pleasantly surprised am I, then, to see my distant cousins immediately back in the headlines they so hated dominating? If they could teach me a thing or two about calling the tune for the world’s press, I’d really appreciate it.”

“It’s very different when they’ve doled out the news on their own terms,” said James ‘Hoggs’ Hoggsworth, an old schoolmate of Harry. “Hazza and Megs have seized control of the narrative in a coup that would make Aung San Suu Kyi shudder. It’s perfectly reasonable and not at all bizarrely authoritarian for the two to want only those news stories that paint them in a squeaky clean, and preferably messianic light to see the light of day. We all do it! Or we would, if we had the funds to take the Mail to court.”

Thomas Markle was available for comment, but we decided against it on the advice of our lawyers.

By Our (Very Overworked) Royal Double Standards Columnist, Marie Antoinette