Emeritus Professor of History, President Donald Maximus Trump has uncovered evidence that changes our understanding of American history.
After minutes of absolutely no research, Professor Trump proudly announced the discovery of a previously unknown relationship between America and Ancient Rome.
In his paper entitled ‘What have the Romans ever done for us?’ he outlines the basis of this long-standing relationship.
It appears the indigenous white settlers of North America traded with Rome for cheese and wine, olive oil and the recipe for those little nutty biscuits you have with coffee. In return, the Americans offered the Italians access to their ‘insurance and protection’, gambling and roistering businesses.
Some of these early settlements can still be seen in many American cities, they are usually called ‘Little Italy’.
Professor Trump believes those early days would have been a great time to be alive. “They were the bestest of times. The ladies didn’t mind what you did to them. Then there were all these big muscly guys running around waving their big swords and wrestling, all oiled and shiny, just like WWF. It was survival of the richest.”
The Italians were unimpressed with Maximus Trump’s research, although they were interested to know if that meant they had rights to any valuable real estate.
Much to Professor Trump’s disappointment, he won’t be getting a Noble Prize for his ground-breaking research. Following an investigation by the awards committee, it transpires that he’d fallen asleep in front of the movie, Gladiator, after eating too much cheese.
Are you not entertained?