Final and clinching proof that you can’t please all of the people all of the time has been found today in the shape of 18 year old Harry Finn.

Finn, an A Level student, told us,

My parents were high achievers. They both went to uni. All of my life, there’s been tremendous parental pressure for me to go to somewhere like the LSE, even though I didn’t want to go. Thanks to the Government, all I got was a B and two Cs and the LSE rejected me. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. Now this. All of a sudden, it’s A Stars all the way to London. I’m traumatised. Thanks, Gavin, mate.

Sulky, whiny LSE student

Department of Education spokesperson said,

The Government is committed to ensuring that young voters, er, students, receive the grades they deserve.

Dep of Ed Fall Guy

Things have not gone entirely to plan for a government with such a sizable majority. In addition to the exams grades fiasco, and despite lopping five thousand off the top of the virus deaths total, England remains stubbornly the worst virus-affected nation in Europe. Discussions continue between the Department of Health and mathematical whizzes at the Treasury over how best to “dress the numbers,” whilst top secret discussions are underway at Number 10 over how a virus death should be defined.

A spokesman for Dominic Cummings mused, “We’ve been far too generous in defining who died of the virus. We’re looking to narrow the definition to something like those people who visited Wuhan Province in December 2019 and felt a bit poorly before arriving back at Heathrow. That should tell us who really had the virus whilst making the numbers more acceptable, too.”

Meanwhile, the government continues.

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