Monkey News

***CHIMPTOURS SPECIAL OFFER – Brexcruise 2020***

With our longed-for, glorious Brexit finally approaching, why not celebrate in style with Chimptours’ exclusive Brexcruise? Join 28,000 other inane bigots on the slightly converted waste processing steamer HMS Albion as we tour the garlic-smelling edges our newly-hostile neighbours.

No passport will be necessary for Brexcruise – the Albion will anchor within sight of traditional tourist destinations but will not land, even if we are allowed to after Brexit. But then there’s nothing the Frogs, Eyeties or Wops have got that we’d want to see anyway! Instead, Brexcruise guests will be given access to special viewing platforms from which they will be invited to shout gratuitous racist insults through loud hailers, show their arses and throw broken bottles and shit overboard into the Mediterranean, generously sharing the full British beach experience with Johnny Foreigner.

Naturally, the Albion offers a range of delicious dining options and a wide choice of internationally-coveted British foods. Evenings will fly by, with our renowned Chas & Dave tribute act (Chas & Dave), free lager and chardonnay dispensers, bespoke vomiting areas and luxury fighting suites.

“It’ll be just like Marbella, but without that funny food,” said Wayne Joseph, one of the 17.4 million. 

Book early for Brexcruise, departing on January 31, 2020 from Clacton Pier. Guaranteed incompetent, surly all-British crew. Only £999 for 14 days plus obligatory 50% sterling devaluation surcharge.

Brexcruise – it’s what we voted for

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