“Nigel, sorry, I must interrupt your incessant droning on here in the studio as Jeremy Corbyn is about to speak.”

“I have telephoned Mr Johnson in the last half-hour and congratulated him on becoming the prime minister. However, despite falling short by 159 seats, this is a far, far greater victory for the Labour Party.

Thanks to the hard work of all of our members, campaigners and trades unionists across the country, we have limited the gap between us and the Tory Party to such a slim margin, an incredible achievement for Labour, considering nobody wanted me to be the prime minister.

Tonight, we have crushed the Liberal Democrats, increasing our share of the vote at their expense, thanks to a power cut at The Swan Inn in Rhyl, meaning that pub-goers left the pub early, in time to vote, and turned out in force for Labour. Indications are that we polled fully 0.03% more of the vote than we expected to in North Wales as a whole. The Lib Dems have been sent away with their tails between their legs, not only in Rhyl, but in Islington, too, where I held my own seat by five votes. I’d like to thank my family for postponing their holiday and staying at home to vote Labour.

The Greens, too, have suffered the force and might of Labour, with Caroline Lucas increasing her majority by only three thousand votes, far less than predicted, and I pay tribute to the Labour campaign in that constituency for achieving this result.

Above all, tonight’s result means that Labour has achieved its main objective – to bring about a substantial majority in the House of Commons. A majority which will allow the government to govern effectively. But the hard work will not stop here and everyone in the Labour family will immediately begin the process of planning for the 2024 general election and how best to undermine our chances of winning it.

Labour will robustly hold this new Tory government to account, although the prime minister will do as he damn well pleases.

“Thank you.”

BBC coverage switches back to the studio.

“Nigel! Nigel! FFS, man. Put your fag out. We’re back on air.”

Meanwhile Brexit continues