Sun. Sep 19th, 2021

Government officials are evaluating an initiative to break up illegal lockdown parties and also get out of work musicians earning again.

The scheme will fund a ‘not for profit’ company called Strung Out!, which will employ out of work guitarists. “The concept is quite revolutionary” claimed a spokesperson. They continued.

We have all been at a party where someone picks up an acoustic guitar and starts playing Wonderwall: They can clear the room in seconds. The Strung Out! scheme will run an 0800 hotline for people to call and report illegal gatherings. We will dispatch a guitarist immediately, who will turn up at the party and start ripping out some Ed Sheeran riffs. If that doesn’t shift them we can move on to ‘Sweet Child ‘o Mine’, ‘Smoke on the Water’ or even the intro to ‘Stairway’. For really stubborn crowds we will, reluctantly, deploy some James Blunt

Strung Out spokesperson

There are plans to expand the service with other instruments. “It is hard to endure a really self-absorbed keyboard solo, and we’ve yet to see anybody withstand a twenty-minute drum or bass solo”. 

Critics of the scheme say that it won’t work unless the musician arrives within the initial ‘happy hour’ at the start of the party. “After that point, the revellers will be so smashed that they will just sing along”.


By Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!