Rumours are running wild around the Westminster lobby that an MP is being investigated by Conservative Party Whips for being “overly candid with the actualité”. Apparently, the MP in question has had some form of moral epiphany, leading to a breakdown in the normal communication channels of misinformation.

We can’t have elected representatives running around willy-nilly telling their constituents what is actually going on; more so if they are the ones that actually voted for us. The problem is that when constituents find out what the carefully crafted platitudes really mean, they become emotionally exercised and their responses difficult to choreograph.

Dominic Cummings, Supreme Commander

It is unclear what action might be taken against the MP in question. Some hard-line pundits have suggested that the whip might be withdrawn, but this isn’t always effective:

I’ve withdrawn the whip before, denied it to them point blank; but some of the little sweeties actually like it when I do that. The refusal plays to the masochistic streak and they actually get more out of it than the usual routine. – Madame Fifi le Fessée, Government IT tutor.

Madame Fifi le Fessee, Whipper In

In the meantime, there are many inflamed Members in the House as they anticipate which one of them is headed for the naughty step.

Here is the Official Monster Raving Loony Party Candidate for South Worcestershire, Barmy Lord Brockman. He is looking very fetching our ‘Meanwhile, the Government continues’, baseball shirt.