There was no widespread surprise amongst the population this morning as the Labour Party once again descended into rancorous internal struggles, at the expense of providing meaningful opposition to the government.

No one gasped, nobody spat out their coffee in amazement and not a soul said, “well I never,” as news broke that Jeremy Corbyn would have the party whip removed by Keir Starmer once again, just hours after being readmitted to Labour following a 19-day suspension.

Isn’t it great to have an opposition which is obsessed with enacting reprisals on its own MPs?

Not a single person, no one, anywhere

The lack of shockwaves at the news didn’t send reverberations up and down the country, as citizens yawned and swiftly changed the channel to something else.

However, Her Majesty’s Opposition won praise from infighting experts. “

This is how I always imagined politics could be: incessant internecine squabbles on both sides of the aisle whilst ordinary people suffer. Great stuff everyone.

John Lennon, sprawled naked beside his girlfriend

“I think Sir Keir is right,” agreed Liam Gallagher, leaning towards the microphone with his hands behind his back. “It’s worth letting the Tories off the hook in exchange for drinking the sweet nectar of self-indulgently arguing amongst yourselves.”

“What did anyone expect? We’re addicted to tearing ourselves apart,” said one Labour MP, blood oozing down his jowls as he gnawed ferociously on what appeared to be hunks of human flesh.

Why do battle with Boris, when civil wars are so easy?