Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening, it is with a heavy heart that, once again, I must stand in front of the British People and say sorry for insulting Scotland.

Regretfully, I’ve been caught being ‘a very naughty boy’.

On this occasion, I’d like to offer a full, and insincere apology, to Scotland/The Queen/ my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/ my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friend’s spouses/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my soon to be ex-wife.

I accept that by getting caught, the standard of my behaviour has fallen below that expected of a Government Minister. I’ve displayed a staggering lack of honesty/integrity/tact and/or responsibility.

In this case, my failure to respect the people of Scotland/ that witch Nicola/honestly advise The Queen/ declare income of over £52,000/write racist, sexist and homophobic comments/knowingly mislead everyone/have inappropriate relations with my (secretary/intern/any passing woman)/shady dealings with oligarchs/PPE Suppliers/Saudi Princes/Arms Dealers/Old Etonian Cronies and Dodgy businessmen was a severe lapse in judgement.

Insert qualifying statement here; I didn’t realise that insulting an entire nation with derogatory language was going to be broadcast on the news. Mind you, I do have form on this.

Insert attacking rebuttal here; I do believe that my comments have been taken out of context. In this case, it’s important to realise that for the Tories, Scotland doesn’t matter, and this takes the public’s attention away from Dominic Cummings.

Of course you’re all going to forgive me, that’s what you do. Rich kids always get away with it. This is like when Nanny made me apologise to Giles Giles Jnr after I took his model Bugatti away from him. I didn’t mean it then and I don’t mean it now.

Look, I’m just the cheeky chap off the tele. I’m not like all those other politicians, I’m one of you, the common people. So let’s get this out of the way and get on with cementing my legacy as the greatest statesman of the age. That’s the ticket.

That’s the trouble with democracy, you get the government you deserve.

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