An alternative explanation of Boris Johnson’s self-isolation has emerged. It appears that the bromance breakdown Between The Boris and Dominic was more emotionally distraught than was previously thought.

Boris said some harsh things that really upset Dom, who has a really sensitive and feeling soul. We don’t want to jump to conclusions, but after Dominic had stormed out, Boris discovered that the trouser legs had been cut off of all of his suits. Obviously, this isn’t a problem for Zoom calls, but it’s not really appropriate to attend PMQT looking like a bad Angus Young tribute act.

Princess Nuts Nuts, the brains behind the blonde

Downing Street insiders say that it has been a torrid time, with the big man storming about the place in his shirt tails and a pair of Carrie’s yoga pants.

Nobody needs to see that. Even Larry the cat bolted into the Foreign Office and asked for asylum, but Pritti just kicked him out and told him to try the French Embassy.

Bobby Napton, Front Door Plod

Meanwhile, investigations are still in progress regarding the cardboard box that was taken when Dominic Cummings flew the coup. Staff searching the building have stressed that nothing compromising National Security is missing, but that the box may have contained the last dozen rolls of toilet paper and a bottle of hand sanitiser.