Fri. Dec 3rd, 2021

DOWNING STREET, LONDON – After a turbulent week in the hallowed halls of 10 Downing Street, which saw the departure of Lee Cain and the stunning ousting of Dominic Cummings from the PM’s top team, this morning Boris Johnson’s woes were compounded by a blistering critique from a highly respected sack of rats.

“These short-tempered, squabbling man-children are giving us a bad name,” said a spokesman for the rats, sticking his head out of the sack.

We find this tawdry spectacle distasteful in the extreme, and we should know – we’ll eat virtually anything, especially if it’s festering.

The interjection of the rat infested sack, a former MP for the Liberal Democrats under Charles Kennedy, and subsequent Chair of the Home Affairs Select Committee, was seen as hugely politically damaging for Johnson.

“Keir Starmer did our noble species a disservice in comparing us to Johnson, Cummings, Carrie Symonds and their ilk,” continued the sack, writhing and pulsating on the floor as the rats within scratched and clawed for supremacy, occasionally pausing to hump vociferously.

We are professionals who know how to work as part of a team, without descending into childish bickering and backstabbing. Hell, in the Middle Ages we killed off half the world’s population! This lot clearly haven’t our knack for spreading the plague; they’ve only managed fifty thousand so far.

Roland, Sack Spokesrat

“I think they should all be drowned in the river,” concluded the rats. “This kind of thing is enough to make you want to abandon the sinking ship we call Britain.”


By Dan Flanagan

One of the younger members of the troop, his sharp eye, cutting commentary and abundant talent has put the old chimps into a sulk.

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!