The Government finally released the independent report into allegations of bullying by the Home Secretary, Priti Patel. The report’s publication was delayed for months, as Boris was too scared to look at it.  

Look, can I just say that Priti Patel is brilliant, she is absolutely fantastic, and I have total faith in her ability to do whatever she wants. The fact that she made me shit myself, is no reflection on her forthright way of dealing with people she doesn’t like. It says more about my lack of backbone, and inherent cowardice when faced with a woman who won’t fall for my inexplicable charm.

Boris Johnson, quivering jelly

“Has she gone yet?” he added.

The report’s author resigned on publication day, and nobody has seen him since. His report claims that Ms (Hos) Patel did those things everyone said she did, and lots more besides.

However, Boris has read the report and concluded that Priti behaved appropriately with all of her staff, at all times, and that she is in no way to blame for any of the 164 allegations of bullying made against her.

Supplies of nappies, toilet roll, and Imodium have been stockpiled in Downing Street, in case anyone thinks there is a need for further action against the Home Secretary.

Priti Patel called a news conference, where she publicly apologised for having done nothing wrong.

“Do you want some? Well, do you?” she screamed before adding

Who’s the Daddy now?

Priti Patel, definitely not a bully