An exclusive report published this morning has revealed that the government’s heavily criticised 3-tier system of Covid restrictions was reintroduced on 2nd December solely to wind up the Mayor of Greater Manchester, Andy Burnham.

The explosive dossier forced the government’s hand. Number 10 had been keen to suppress the reasoning behind returning to the convoluted and flawed system, encouraging the public to harbour the mistaken belief that there was some scientific rationale behind government decision-making.

But, “no, no,” reassured a government spokesperson after the leak. “It was just plain spite.”

Anything that gets me back in the news is fine by me.

Andy Burnham, future useless leader of the opposition