Following the failure of the latest round of talks, and the imminent no-deal Brexit, almost the entire population of the UK is claiming OIrish citizenship.

My gran once met a woman called Mary, who claimed that she had once visited Dublin and eaten a cockle or two. Well, it’s clear I’m as Oirish as McGinty’s goat, Can one have a passport, please?

Liz from Windsor

She wasn’t the only one to jump on the tinker’s cart.

I’ve moved all my money to Dublin and bought County Kildare, so I’m alright. It will be super, it’s just like here, they speak the same language and really appreciate everything we’ve done for them for the last 400 years!

Jacob Sea-Fogg, A Posh Chancer

The Irish Government are inundated with applications for citizenship and has increased the application price ten-fold.

Thank feck none of the feckin, feckers, want to live here! We’ve nowhere to put them! And to be sure, it would play havoc with the golf, don’t you know!

Paddy Slattery, Tea-Shop Owner

We asked the man in the street why they had decided to become Oirish.

I’ve applied to be Oirish, so I can get that lovely soft brogue that makes all the girls drop their knickers,

Boris, Londoner and man of the people

Meanwhile, shares in Guinness have gone through the roof.