In a late-breaking development, Sir Keir Starmer has entered the Conservative Party leadership race.

“I think I’ve proved my worth. I did nothing in fourteen years of opposition to stop the Conservatives from robbing the country blind, and as a member of the Labour Party I’ve done everything I can to keep the Tories in power. It’s not my fault they blew it. But now I’m PM I actually have to do things and it’s not fun. It’s just one damn thing after another.”

He went on to add, “People need to understand that as Prime Minister, I have worked tirelessly to uphold Tory traditions. Over the last two months. I’ve hammered pensioners, locked up protestors, accepted gifts and favours from the wealthy and caused well-respected members of my party to resign in disgrace. I think that’s a good start. And, okay, I admit I scrapped the Rawanda scheme, but look, it’s not like I’ve replaced it with anything.”

“Let’s be honest here, it is either me or one of those charlatans; who would you rather have?”

It’s a good question, one Conservatives up and down the country are pondering. Many are left wondering why their only choice comes down to the same people who brought the party to the brink of extinction.

Local Conservative, Ian Napton, was keen to see Keir take up the reigns. “It is not such a crazy idea; I mean we’ve had worse. It would give us a chance to show we’ve changed, whilst allowing us to keep exactly the same policies, but this time, in a nicely tailored suit.”

Meanwhile, the privately educated, working class burger flipper, Kemi BadEnoch, is trying to win support by turning The Handmaid’s Tale into reality. She has courted public support with ever crazier schemes, her latest being a culture war on women. She wants women to ‘Breed for Britain’. She followed this up by announcing plans to cut maternity pay and a roll back of women’s employment rights.

Robert Thickrick’s big idea, and guaranteed vote winner, is for Britain to leave the ECHR.  A policy he is glad to promote, as he knows it will never happen. Having been caught out doing a favour for his property developer mate, he is playing the “wealthy, middle-aged white man” card. He’s following this by not being Kemi BadEnoch. His cunning plan seems to be working.

Sir Giles-Giles, speaking off the record, explained that “it doesn’t matter who wins because we can’t do anything until the next election. I can tell you now, neither of these muppets will be anywhere near government when that baby comes round.”

Meanwhile, your government is watching the football.