There is a main road, the A259. It connects Eastbourne to Seaford and vice-versa. The road crosses the mighty Cuckmere River via an almost derelict, single-lane bridge. It has long been a pain in the A as long traffic queues form in this area of outstanding natural beauty.

About 10 years ago East Sussex County Council devised a cunning plan to widen the bridge to two lanes. This would allow the traffic to flow unimpeded around this pinch point. Everyone was in favour of this whizzo scheme, so the Council decided to cancel it.

The only flaw in this otherwise cunning plan is that it was run by East Sussex County Council. It turns out it would have been more successful if it was run by Baldric.

Conducting themselves with the professionalism and integrity for which they are renowned, they spoke to their mate Dave. He knew a bloke who would do a good job, dead cheap and for cash, no questions asked. The initial estimate in 2017 was £2 million. Seemed reasonable.

To get the project up and running, council staff went out and hired two sets of temporary traffic lights. Renting was preferred as they wouldn’t be there very long. Eight years later, they are still there. Although, like Triggers broom, they’ve been burnt down, nicked, broken and vandalised, that’s council workers for you. 

In the meantime, the project cost has risen to £21 million. Dave is delighted.

The Council has spent £4.6 million on feasibility studies, consultancy, branding and a little cardboard model of the bridge. The chief consultant, Ian Napton, has made out like a bandit.

“This has been a brilliant project to work on. The Council has been very supportive; they’ve paid all their bills on time and have never questioned the rising costs. I’ve bought a lovely little chateau in the south of France. Have you been there? Oh, you really must go.” Said Ian.

When questioned about the costs and the project’s cancellation, Ian replied.

“Building essential infrastructure is a difficult process. An awful lot of administration is required. If I may say, this project was exceptionally well administered. The Council got tremendous value for money; it’s not my fault they have cancelled it. By the way, if you’re going back to the Council would you mind dropping in this £1 million cancellation fee invoice?”

Chatty asked the Council why they cancelled the project.

Their spokesman, Sir Giles-Giles, claimed it was due to the ongoing conflict in Ukraine, worsening labour and skill shortage, reduced steel production capacity, climate change, weak currency against the dollar, fuel pricing, illegal immigration, a cheese shortage in Wales, interest rate uncertainty, unprecedented inflation in the construction sector and government policy changes. (Can you spot the three Chatty made up? If not, you can find the answer here.)

Giles-Giles added that even though central government has given the Council £7.9 million toward the costs, they still can’t afford to build this bridge. “Look, you have to understand, by the time we’ve weighed out our mates in the Rotary club, the Masons and at party HQ, there is nothing left.”

We are left wondering how such incompetence and ineptitude has been allowed to flourish. A quick poll of people in the pub showed that they want to know why someone isn’t in jail.

Meanwhile, your Council continues.